Leaving LDS

I started this blog with the hope that my perspective could be fully understood, that I might not offend and hurt people with my tendency to be carelessly blunt in short quips on social media.  I've posted infrequently, but I think having the tool available has helped my interactions.  Faced with the prospect of having to write a comprehensive essay to explain my controversial opinion, I more often just hold my tongue.  In all the time since setting up this tool, never have I needed it more.

My family has left the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.  This has been a difficult and traumatic experience for me, for reasons I will go into.  At first we received almost universal love and support, but as I began to talk about the reasons I left and the effect the church teachings had on me, or call attention to the current sex scandal in the church, things got tense.  I lost friends, I was shamed and shunned.  I do want to point out, that this has not been a universal response.  I do have friends who have been tolerant, loving, and supportive who are faithful members of the church, it means so much to me, especially in light of the dynamic I'm about to dissect.  I have had many more tell me to be quiet about the church, that they support my choice to leave, but it's wrong for me talk about my reasons for leaving if it casts the church in a negative light.  As if I would have left in the first place if I did not see negativity in the church.

Emotionally, this blame shifting hurts me profoundly, I'm naturally inclined to internalize and take the burden of guilt upon myself.  Intellectually, I know it's not my fault, neither is it the fault of those committing the act.  In truth, the blame lies with a well-established, well-practiced, and expertly executed method of control.  I know where these people are coming from, because I was once of the same mind.  There is a carefully established culture of fear about people who defect, the main function of this is retention.  It creates a phobia around apostasy, becoming less active, or leaving the church.  It also prevents members from listening to defectors about the problems with the church and information they've gained from non-biased sources outside the church.  The view that is established fits nicely into the black and white, absolutist belief that we are engaged in an eternal struggle between good and evil.  Those inside the church are on the side of God, and must carefully guard their purity and testimony in order to stay there.  Those who have apostatized, are under the control of Satan, and are acting under his influence to fight against God's church.  The normal, scientifically established, and almost universally inevitable psychological and behavioral effects of transitioning out of a high-demand religious group are sited as proof of this world view.  Anger, acting out or indulging in things forbidden by the group, and a desire to talk through what has happened and right wrongs or protect others from the same hurt.  How often were we told "people can leave the church, but they can't leave it alone"?  This teaching creates confirmation bias.

I will go into this more and site sources to back up my claims, as I have been gas-lighted, told the church doesn't teach this, and shamed as to how I could've believed this and other topics as a member.  Before I go much further, though, I want to set some boundaries.  Assuming there are any of my faithful latter-day saint friends who need the boundaries that are even willing to read this in the first place, or have made it this far without clicking away.  I have a very diverse and wonderful group of Facebook friends, and my interaction with them gives me great joy.  I love each of their unique lives, experiences, worldviews and talents.  I don't wish to purge that friends list of everyone who subscribes to LDS doctrine, not even those who fit the description in the above paragraph.  Because these little things don't define us, we are constantly growing and evolving, it's spectacular to watch and even greater to be a part of.  To those people who wish I would be silent regarding the church, this is hard for both of us, and I'm sorry.  I will always be honest, I will try my best to not be insulting or belligerent, but I will say what I feel needs to be said on my own wall.  You are likewise welcome to hold your own opinions, even ones I find abhorrent, and you are likewise welcome to express them on your own wall.  I also welcome debate and disagreement, as long as it's respectful and not abusive.  If you want to argue over my reasons for leaving the church, I hope you would pay me the respect of reading this post in its entirety, so you at least start from a foundation of understanding what you're arguing with.  What I will no longer tolerate, is shallow, shaming, abusive comments on my personal posts.  If you read the entirety of this post, you may have a better understanding of what I mean by abusive.  When these comments are made, I will delete them at my discretion.  I will also use the "unfriend" and "block" buttons at my discretion.  In my nearly 10 years on Facebook, I've only done that twice before this week, it takes a lot for me, I truly value relationships above most everything else.  I hope you will also use your discretion in deciding whether my place in your friends list, or my posts showing up on your news feed is safe for you.  If it poses too much of a threat to a spiritual world view you feel you need to protect, you have the same options I do, delete, unfriend, unfollow, block.  Figure out what you need to do using those tools, do not tell me what I may or may not say.  I no longer subscribe to your worldview, I do not support, or practice thought control.

Alright then, getting into it.  There is much more to this then I'm going to cover here, because this will already be overwhelmingly long, but this is the basic breakdown of my initial reason for leaving, and the information I feel is relevant to understanding those reasons.  In the future, I may break this and some other things up into pieces to dissect in depth.  I don't know, though, I don't seem to be much of a blogger.  Of course, I am available to field follow up questions.

What the church teaches about why

Fist let me touch upon what the church teaches about reasons for leaving the church.  I hope as you hold this in contrast with my story and perspective, you'll be able to see why the misconceptions and assumptions people come at me with are so hurtful.  This narrow, simplistic view, taught frequently in church classes, conference, and talks, paints defectors as weak minded and childish.  As an example, here is a picture of a church whiteboard after a lesson.  I've sat in this lesson many times, the teacher poses the question and students raise their hands to offer answers on behalf of someone who isn't present, they then belittle and refute these imaginary arguments.  This is the very definition of straw-manning, and it is unloving and unfair.  

"My Brother was at church, and saw this list on the Whiteboard. He sent it to me, because it shows how little members of the church know about TSSC, if these are the only major reasons they can think of for someone to stop showing up."

1. We failed to read scriptures/pray and keep all the commandments as prescribed.
As president Uchtdorf said in this talk:

 "By the same token, if we remove ourselves from the light of the gospel, our own light begins to dim—not in a day or a week but gradually over time—until we look back and can’t quite understand why we had ever believed the gospel was true. Our previous knowledge might even seem foolish to us because what once was so clear has again become blurred, hazy, and distant."

I absolutely experienced this, in fact I frequently bore testimony of how the church looked so much different from the outside than it did from the inside.  I referred to this as a sort of spiritual veil.  Now back on the outside, I look back and wonder how I ever believed it so completely.  This is nothing supernatural, it's a completely explainable psychological phenomenon, a result of mind control.  Yes, if you slow down on your self-brainwashing, slowly you regain enough of your faculties to again think critically about the topic which you've been conditioned to mentally protect at all cost.  So, the church takes one small step in the process of being able to find your reason to leave, and makes it the reason you left.

2. We were offended.

This one is the worst, maybe just because it the one that I'm accused of most frequently, and for me, the one furthest from the truth.  Ignoring anything I've ever said, they come at me with some variation of the oft repeated Mormon cliché:  "the church is perfect, the people are not".  When my experience has been the opposite, the people are among the best I've ever met, the church is not true, and definitely not perfect. Still, the lesson manuals, general conference talks, and testimony meeting are filled with anecdotes of someone sadly giving up all their eternal blessings over a negative interaction with a leader or other member.  I'd be willing to place a bet that this has never happened to a person who had a genuine belief in the gospel.  Sure, I've had unpleasant exchanges with members, it had nothing to do with my decision to leave.  If facts and objective reality couldn't shake my faith, then certainly a little social tension wouldn't do it.  That being said, I have heard of members who were confronted with a completely toxic church culture that threatened their emotional well-being.  I know some who still believe and had to make the hard choice to no longer attend church, but do what they can to stay faithful from home.  Others in this situation may make the same choice, and the distance will allow them to see clearly and realize the church's claims are false (see point 1).  In this case, it's another instance of a step toward the reason being assigned as the reason.  

3. We want to sin.

To people unfamiliar with LDS doctrine, this can seem like a very harsh accusation.  However, we must keep in mind that a "sin" in the LDS church can be something as petty as wearing two pairs of earrings.  Do people leave because of issues related to more serious transgressions?  Addiction, adultery, universally recognized moral defects?  Almost certainly yes, because even for a believer, it is super hard to exist in LDS culture presenting anything but perfection.  Also the strict and oppressive nature of the commandments and the authoritarian structure of repentance and overcoming sin breeds compulsive behavior and mental illness.  In my experience and observation, the people who leave because of their struggles with sin, and no other issues, are the ones who end up coming back.  I battled with a cigarette addiction the entire time I was in the church, and when I relapsed, I found activity to be much more of a struggle.  Sitting through church meetings knowing I smelled of smoke, sneaking out to the parking lot between classes for a smoke and ducking behind something every time someone walked by.  Because Sunday meetings are 3 hours long!  Who can go that long without a fix?  From time to time, the struggle was too much for me, and I did stop attending meetings, but I still believed it with all my heart.  I still kept every other commandment and I still fed (brainwashed) myself with scriptures and church material.  When I was ready to give my all to the fight, I came back, I attended the addiction recovery program, I counseled with the bishop, and I made myself busy with church callings.  I quit with the help of the church a total of 3 times, but it always came back.  Did I leave to smoke without guilt?  No!  I loved the gospel with everything in me, I hate cigarettes with everything in me.  That hate is independent of the church's teachings on tobacco.  I most definitely would never choose cigarettes over church. 

Yes, this one is a mixed bag.  I've never personally met anyone who left over sin exclusively, but I don't dispute it could happen.  As for me and many others I've talked to, nothing on the long, arbitrary list of LDS sins could ever pull me away from spiritual truth.  Finding out it's not spiritual truth however has given me the glorious freedom to participate in such terrible sins as drinking coffee and tea, baring my shoulders, having the occasional "strong drink", doing whatever I feel like on Sunday, watching R rated movies, and even getting tattoos and piercings if I should so desire.  

There is another issue here as well, maybe people don't leave because they want to sin, but an influencing factor, or maybe even a deciding factor is the injustice in what the church deems sin to be.  Some of the things I listed above are obviously not objectively immoral, and most view them as a little silly, but they are more or less harmless when taken on their own.  Where things get dark is when a person’s identity or nature gets classified as a sin.  Homosexuality is the obvious example.  The church has historically and presently done real documented harm to individuals because of their backwards and unsubstantiated assertions of how God feels on the issue.  Homosexual, heterosexual, or anything in between, not everyone fits inside this narrow box of "God's plan", and trying to shape our entire lives to fit this arbitrary standard does real psychological harm to individuals and families.  Consider this experience From a real life friend of mine who was Mormon and trans.  

Masturbation is another.  The church is currently under fire for the wildly inappropriate practice of bishops having private interviews with young people for the purpose of shaming them for normal body exploration.  Masturbation is rightfully a non-issue nearly everywhere else in the world.  Everyone does it, and suppression of healthy, natural sexual function leads to compulsion and dysfunction.  I didn't leave over these issues, but if someone told me they left because they were being shamed for their humanity and wanted peace and the freedom to live, not hurting anyone else, in a way that felt right to them, I would cheer them on.  

4.  We are deceived by the adversary.

This is the most common, and all the others, plus anything I may have missed can likely be rolled into it.  Glenn Pace taught in the April 1989 conference: 

"One loses his testimony only by listening to the promptings of the evil one, and Satan’s goal is not complete when a person leaves the Church, but when he comes out in open rebellion against it."

Again this creates a phobia of likewise being ensnared by listening to the perspectives and experiences of apostates.  Neil L. Anderson related in the October 2014 conference, quoting Elder Neal A. Maxwell:

“Studying the Church … through the eyes of its defectors, is like interviewing Judas to understand Jesus. Defectors always tell us more about themselves than about that from which they have departed.”

I don't feel like I should really have to dispute this one.  I can't disprove Satan is influencing me anymore than a believer can prove Satan exists.  As always, the burden of proof lies on the one making the assertion.  I do think it illustrates just how extreme the church's demonization of apostates gets.  It's also the clearest of examples of mystical manipulation and phobia induction. 

My reasons for leaving

The church has been saying for a while that they are experiencing a "sifting" in preparation for the second coming.  I feel grateful to have ended up outside the sieve.  Funny the largest part of this seems to have started with the take off of the internet age and things like the CES letter.  The church has had to adapt and reform the way in which it misleads members regarding it's history and practices.  Because it's established itself as a softer (or passive-aggressive) control group, it can't outright ban the internet for members, but has issued many warnings regarding consuming and believing topics online.  It's also decided to come out with the truth on some issues, wrapped in dishonest apologetics and buried in the gospel essays section of their website.  Discovering truths that are damning and the dishonest way in which the church has handled them, is why most people leave.

This is not why I left.  As obsessive I've been in my study of the church since I left, to try and understand what happened, and to be certain it was not true, I was even more obsessive in my studies going into the church.  I consumed every resource I could get my hands on.  I knew church history, doctrines, and scriptures inside and out.  I knew almost all of these troubling hurdles, and I knew the apologetics.  I was unshaken by issues that caused others to lose their faith, and as new issues came out, I continued to be unshaken.  This was because I really believed the church's exclusive truth claims and I was, all my life predisposed to mysticism.  I placed feelings and perceptions above facts and evidence in the pursuit of truth.  The church has no shortage of feelings and perceptions to offer.  As far as I was concerned, this was God's one true church.  Anything that caused doubt was from Satan.  I found my answers to questions within the framework of doctrine, performing mental gymnastics when necessary, and if I couldn't make it fit, it went on the shelf labeled "I'll find out when I die." or "God knows better than me".

My daughter took this picture of me in the relief society room in the first years of my church membership.  I spent so many years trying to get that "light" back.  It can't come back; the novelty is gone, and I no longer fall for the emotional manipulation.  I've found something more authentic and lasting.

My trouble with the church centers mostly around my mental health.  I have two very serious mental illnesses, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.  These were undiagnosed and untreated until 2016.   Like I said, I tended toward mysticism to solve difficult problems, so when I experienced relief from my symptoms for 3-4 years after joining the church, I accounted for this as a miraculous blessing and concluded my illness was only the effects of sin and the absence of Christ in my life.  I now know that what I experienced was a prolonged hypomanic state triggered by the extreme novelty of my conversion and drastic life change. So I had set myself up to experience extreme shame and confusion when the novelty wore off and my symptoms returned.  Still, I continued to be a true disciple for many years.  When the general authorities began to speak of the reality of mental illness, I took it as direct communication, encouragement and comfort from Heavenly Father.  

This was taken, as near as I can pin point around the beginning of my faith crisis.  It was this day I first notice a tension in my forehead that I couldn't get to relax, like I was involuntarily furrowing my brow.

When I finally received my diagnosis of schizoaffective, that shook me.  Right there at the top of the list of symptoms was "religious delusions".  Most of my spiritual experiences have occurred during periods I've now come to recognize as psychosis. All those feelings and perceptions I had put first in deciding everything, had to be reexamined and questioned.  Now this is not to say that everything I experienced can be chalked up to psychosis, neither am I suggesting neurotypical people do not have spiritual experiences.  They do in fact, and there is a reasonable, non-mystical explanation for that as well.  I'm just trying to establish what led up to my change of mind.  So, I was shaken, but still held fast to these beliefs.  Struggling to reestablish a relationship with the spirit in the framework of this new understanding, struggling to attend church with my mental and spiritual health in a terrible state.  I struggled on like that for another year and a half while my mental and physical health got worse and worse.  After a while my mind started to cry out to me.  A distress call I had heard at times over the last decade "I wish I didn't know what I know".  If this gospel is true, if it is light, and love and absolute good, why does it hurt so much?  Why is it so hard?

Finally, out of desperation, I took that forbidden step of asking my friends who left to tell me their reasons.  The first person I talked to told a story that I certainly related to.  She felt depressed, weighed down by shame and the burden of keeping up appearances and adhering to the impossible standards.  She linked me to the CES letter, which I glanced at, but put aside.  I knew how my brain handled those things, I was too tired for mental gymnastics.  Then I decided to call a friend who left about 2 years before me.  I knew we related well to each other, and I hoped she could help me gain perspective on what I was feeling and why.  Did she ever!  During our conversation, I had a breakthrough moment when she pointed out that a doctrine I brought up related to my fear of leaving the church, was exactly like what a domestic abuser would say.  Namely, I had been taught, and was afraid, that if I left what I "knew" to be absolute spiritual truth, I would never again feel or experience anything spiritual.  The abuser would say, "If you leave me, you'll never have love, or be happy with anyone else".  Suddenly all these connections clicked into place.  The patterns of narcissistic abuse, and the effects on the victim.  This is why I was feeling the way I was.  I'm not painting any person in the church as the abuser, but the doctrine, the tactics, and God himself as he is taught in Mormonism, and certainly most Judeo-Christian religions.  I knew in that moment the church couldn't be true, because a perfect, loving God would not be an abuser, and if he was, I wanted no part of it anyway. 

After this phone call I had the conversation with my husband and we decided together to turn in our resignation letter.  I felt a burden immediately lift and that oh so sought after feeling Mormons describe as an outpouring of the spirit.  To top it off, the chronic pain that had been daily at some level, and at least weekly at an excruciating level for 7 years, completely went away for several weeks.  I only really get it now in response to sudden cold snaps.  My mental health has also become much more manageable.  I know that I was being deeply affected in a way I couldn't identify by cognitive dissonance and mind control tactics.  I have been on an intellectual journey ever since to understand what happened and how to repair it.  For me, though, I had to find my way out the same way I found my way in, spiritually and emotionally.  Now I begin the process of learning to live my life more honestly, centered on verifiable truth and evidence, and making peace with the unknown and unknowable.  Let me assure you in all honesty, I am finding peace, joy, fulfillment and wonder in this mindset.  I'm also finding many subtle and nuanced ways my behavior and family relationships have been harmed by the teachings of Mormonism, and joyfully doing the work of making repairs.

I know this has been quite wordy, and I am so grateful and flattered if you've made it this far.  One last thing I want to cover, just in case you still chalk my whole experience up to Satan.  It's your right to do so if you wish, I would just like to be content in the knowledge I'm not responsible for that view by way of omission.  I want to cover the B.I.T.E. model of mind control and show you how the church employs this.  This model was coined by Steven Hassan, a respected and well recognized authority on high-control groups for over 40 years, and is considered the standard for recognizing a cult.  I'm going to give my perspective on how church teachings and practices fit into each of these points, if they do.  Others might have more to add or an entirely different perspective, but I will try to explain it as best I can.  I will also post resources at the end for the B.I.T.E. model as it applies to Mormonism. 

The B.I.T.E. Model

B.I.T.E. stands for Behavior control, information control, thought control, emotional control.  Here's how it breaks down:


Behavior Control

• Promote dependence and obedience 

The Mormon church teaches self-reliance in many ways.  For us however, not coming from a Mormon background and doing everything right from the start, the teachings had the effect of creating greater and greater financial hardship, and dependence upon church assistance, for which we were often shamed.  The first and most important commandment to multiply and replenish the earth was a terrible idea in our situation, but we were told, "when it comes to family, the lord will provide".  The idea of seed tithing is also universally insidious once you know there is no God to guarantee your return.

There is also spiritual dependence well laid out in this talk, and promoted pretty much always in their exclusive truth claims. 

As far as obedience, I could write another post this long just with examples and sources.  Obedience is everything, there is a chapter on it in every lesson manual and an article in every magazine.  It is talked about continuously, and personal worthiness interviews are conducted regularly to check on each member’s obedience. 

• Modify behavior with rewards and punishments 

Every step of the way there are carrots and sticks.  Most of them are imaginary; spirit paradise and spirit prison, the kingdoms of glory, etc.  There are many tangible ones too; praise and love bombing is offered for the outward appearance of spiritual progression.  Spiritual progression in the Mormon church basically consists of working your way up a hierarchical ladder of ordinances which are a series of rewards in themselves.

The sticks are things like one on one lectures or interrogations with an authority, who is meant to represent Jesus Christ, and supposedly is authorized to have direct communication with God on your behalf.  At this authority’s discretion, such punishments are given out as you are forbidden to take the sacrament or you surrender your temple recommend.  For more serious offences, like speaking negatively about the church in a public way, dis-fellowship or excommunication.  All of these punishments put the bearer in the position of being different and lesser than their peers in outward appearance and internal feelings.

This was our second year in the church.  I was getting the carrots, he was getting the sticks, and the tension was building between us.  Later this same year, we would be separated and talking divorce over something the church says is sin and no one else gives a damn about.  I love this picture because to me, even through all the crap, the love between us is palpable.  We often say, "If the Mormon church didn't break us up, nothing can."

This was our second year in the church.  I was getting the carrots, he was getting the sticks, and the tension was building between us.  Later this same year, we would be separated and talking divorce over something the church says is sin and no one else gives a damn about.  I love this picture because to me, even through all the crap, the love between us is palpable.  We often say, "If the Mormon church didn't break us up, nothing can."

• Dictate where and with whom you live 

Obviously, this occurs on a mission.  Since the mission practices cross the line in almost every way into hard core, unmistakable cult behavior, we'll put that aside.  Certainly, since I've never served and can't speak from personal experience.

As far as where you live, again I have no personal experience, so let's work from a hypothetical here.  Say you receive an important calling, that requires your family to relocate.  Of course you have a  choice, but like nearly every choice you're given in the gospel, its a false choice or a double bind.  Callings come from God, by revelation.  You can say no, but you'd be saying no to God, you open yourself up to the social stigma and judgement that comes with that.  You are also conditioned to see every life event, coincidence and minor happening as communication from the divine.  Therefore, your condemnation and consequences will occur naturally, as life does.

Whom you live with is obviously in force, you may not live with anyone you're in a romantic relationship with unless you're married, and only if they are of the opposite gender.

• Restrict or control sexuality 

Oh, big time!  The church is completely obsessed with sexuality!  Prohibiting homosexual activity and premarital relations, as well as pornography, but also going as far as to ban masturbation.  Somehow, even being bisexual and very sexually motivated as I am, I was able to make peace with this when I joined the church.  Probably, shamefully, because it didn't affect my current situation.  My understanding was that married, heterosexual couples, had free license to enjoy sex in whatever way felt right without divine condemnation.  I was wrong.  As this first presidency letter from 1982 shows, the church has (as far as I can tell), a still standing policy against oral sex between married couples!  When I was in the church, I searched hard for these things and couldn't find them in approved sources.  The topic of sexuality is generally taboo, and if you ask your authority for clarification of unholy and impure practices, the response you're likely to get is "if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer."  Meaning if it gives you even a little doubt or discomfort, as anything sexual likely will the first time you approach it, it's evil, and the church would gladly jump at the chance to ban that too.

This suppression of human sexuality is so harmful from a psychological standpoint. From a mind control standpoint, extremely effective.  We've now established your big brother, in your bathroom, in your bedroom, observing your most personal and private moments, even knowing your thoughts.  Also being we are taught that people with divine callings are given divine discernment, we come to believe we can be found out if we transgress privately. 

• Control clothing and hairstyle 

Obviously.  I mean the church gives us our own set of clothing to wear in the form of temple garments, which we have to then cover completely with normal clothes, restricting the styles and cuts available to us.  Beyond that though, standards of dress and appearance are discussed a lot, especially for young women.  We've been counseled not to wear more than one pair of modest earrings (whatever that means), not to get tattoos or additional piercings, and at least in this one stake, not to wear patterned tights because they draw attention to your legs!  As far as hair goes, from my observation it's dealt with somewhat ambiguously on the official level, and varies by area and culture.  Most of us have gotten the impression that hair should look natural in its color, that men should have short hair, and that facial hair should be minimal.

• Regulate what and how much you eat and drink 

Law of fasting

Word of wisdom

• Deprive you of seven to nine hours of sleep 

Not overtly, but they do tend to load us down with activities and responsibilities that we must prioritize over real life and basic needs.

• Exploit you financially 

I touched on seed tithing in the first point, but it's stressed often and with great emphasis that we should give more than we are able, to receive greater blessings.  Tithing is a requirement to hold a temple recommend, and therefore to receive exultation.  In my mind this is completely exploitative, they create a fear and a desire and offer as part of the only solution, to give them money.  10% for the rest of your life.  Tithing settlements at the end of the year hold you accountable for giving the right amount.  

• Restrict leisure time and activities 

Again, church responsibility takes priority if you're doing it right.  Time is gobbled up in 3 hours on Sunday, fulfilling callings, preparing talks and activities, attending activities, doing service, general conference, and on and on.  Of course, there are certain activities that are forbidden too, if they don't meet standards, or if they take place on a Sunday.

Dirty and tired after our first, and only Mormon helping hands project.  I'm not here to lie, this was a great day!  I returned to that ongoing project many times on my own and with my family.  The leader of it nagged me to get the Mormons back all the time.  I tried, but never could.

• Require you to seek permission for major decisions

You are supposed to seek personal revelation through prayer for major decisions, of course this is tricky, because if your revelation is counter to what the brethren would approve, it's false.  I often went to my bishop to help me clarify or confirm an impression I got.  I was blessed with awesome bishops all along the way on my journey, so luckily, I was never undermined or belittled, but I was asking permission.  Of course, if you're a woman, the priesthood leader in your home has final say and you have made a covenant to submit to him as he submits to God.  So, if you pray together about something and you receive one answer, he receives another, his answer is the answer.  Again, I got lucky here, my husband has never wanted to dominate me, and we've gotten good at working things out together.  Taking the prayer part out just saved time.  

Information Control 

• Deliberately withhold and distort information

From the very start with Joseph Smith's polygamy and polyandry, to today with the definition of the word "translate".  It's only in recent years with the availability of information to everyone exploding, that the church has given up most (not all) of it's withholding of information in favor of a lot more distortion.  I could write another blog post of this length just siting examples, so I won't go into too much detail here.  Feel free to contact me if you need clarification.

I would site this passage from the Gospel principals manual, as it's what sold me on the church.  I had never heard of such a high standard of honesty, and I wanted to be, and be surrounded by, people who were this honest.: 

"There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." 

Sadly, a liar lies about lying too.  The church is consistently, chronically, and disgustingly, dishonest.

• Forbid you from speaking with ex-members and critics 

Hmm, this is kind of what this whole post is about.  It's certainly discouraged, is it forbidden?  Well, we went into a bit how important the temple recommend is as leverage.  Here's one of the questions asked in the interview to receive one: 

"Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"

That one was always tricky to me, because of the "affiliate with".  Of course I do, I'm an adult convert from a non-member family.  So, we'd have to pause and discuss until it was clear I wasn't in danger of apostasy.  I'm sorry my source for this is considered "anti-Mormon", but maybe I'm not, because it's not my fault.  I looked for it in official source, but everything I found curiously omitted that question.  I know I was asked, I know I saw it in the handbook, and I know I could find honest people to back me up.   There's an example of the previous bullet point and of gas-lighting.  

The church's recent flood of excommunications should be considered in this category too.   

• Discourage access to non-cult sources of information 

We are warned about "anti-Mormon" material in the same way we are warned about pornography.  There is fear instilled in losing our testimony and risking our eternal life from even looking at things that are openly critical of the church.  If we do risk it to learn what's being said, it's important to counter it with scriptures, gospel sources and apologetics.

• Divide information into Insider vs. Outsider doctrine 

Yeah, you probably picked this one up in my use of the term "anti-Mormon” Lds.org is the only internet source that can be trusted.  When I was an investigator, I was shown the church logo on the back of a book and told, "that's how you know it's doctrine".

• Generate and use propaganda extensively 

Oh yeah.  Does anyone else get Mormon.org ads all over their browser, or is that just my algorithm?  Anyway, there's always pass along cards or leaflets or videos to hand out, and every once in a while, members are challenged to place them. 

• Use information gained in confession sessions against you 

Comparing the church to other cults I've studied makes me want to be gentle and say no on this one, but this is the means by which the punishments and rewards are decided.  As far as telling the information to others, it depends area to area and person to person.  My personal experience has been good, for the most part, but like I said, if you are punished in any way, people know, and usually can find out why if they want to.  

• Gaslight to make you doubt your own memory 

I just spoke on this too, with the temple question thing.  I've also been told since leaving that the church doesn't teach things I was taught.  My favorite is when you bring up a problem, they say "all churches have these problems", You say "yeah, but exclusive truth claims, divine inspiration", then watch them try to simultaneously deny and testify of the exclusive divine truth of the church.  Simplistic and straw manning, I know, but I've been on both sides of that argument. 

The biggest and most damaging practice of gas-lighting in the church is about shame.  We are taught all of these commandments and principles, with great weight placed on each one, adding up to an impossible standard that sets everyone up for failure.  That inevitable failure has the inevitable result of making us feel shame.  We are then chastised for feeling shame, told "that is not what the gospels about", "god is a god of perfect love, he doesn't want you to feel shame".  We then feel shame for our shame and on and on until we are broken.

This assertion by Dallin H. Oakes is just short of an outright admission that the church uses gas-lighting, and certainly an admission that they don't think the principle of repentance applies to them.

• Require you to report thoughts, feelings, & activities to superiors 

Personal worthiness interviews, confession for transgression.

• Encourage you to spy and report on others’ “misconduct”

I think this is the primary purpose of the visiting teaching/home teaching programs. I did it, I'm sorry to say.  I went to the bishop after I had done my visiting teaching with "sister so-and-so is still living with her boyfriend", "I saw a bottle of booze in sister so-and-so's house", that sort of thing.  I was told to do it and I was thanked for it, and I felt like I was doing a good thing for that sister. 

Thought Control 

• Instill Black vs. White, Us vs. Them, & Good vs. Evil thinking 

That's all there is, isn't it?  Satan and his followers, God and his angels, enticing and tempting us, the good ones in the premortal life, to choose one or the other.  Everything is good or evil, black or white, ideas, politics, clothing, beverages, media, at least that's the effect the foundational world view has on the rest of life.  Maybe that's me, I do have borderline personality disorder, I'm predisposed to this sort of thing.  I do think it's objectively clear in the doctrine though, and in the persecution complex. 

• Change your identity, possibly even your name 

Um, my new name is Susanna, which I don't much care for, guess I went on the wrong day of the month.  Seriously, though, I think the church does allow for individuality, but the effect of so many lifestyle standards and the cultural pressure, does naturally result in a certain "peculiar" conformity.

• Use loaded language and cliches to stop complex thought 

"The church is perfect; the people are not"

"They can leave the church, but they can't leave it alone"

“Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.”

"Endure to the end"

"Eternal perspective"

"Love the sinner, hate the sin."

"Modest is hottest"

"Milk before meat"

"line upon line, precept upon precept."

"Pearls before swine"

"Is it pertinent to your eternal salvation?"

"Choose the right."

"Be in the world but not of the world."
"Avoid the appearance of evil."

"These are plain and precious things."

"Wickedness never was happiness."

"ponderize"

"the church is true"

"the prophet will never lead you astray"

"follow the prophet"

"Have you prayed about it?"

• Induce hypnotic or trance states to indoctrinate 

I could go into the true order of prayer, or any group prayer, the silence during the passing of the sacrament...I feel like I'd be reaching.  I'll go ahead and give the church a pass on this one.

• Teach thought-stopping techniques to prevent critical thoughts 

This is practiced in the teaching: "you have to bare your testimony to gain a testimony."  You get up on the stand and say you know things that you are uncertain of, which is dishonest, and after you do it enough times, you start to feel as if it's true.  This is brain washing. 

As another example, a search for positive thinking on LDS.org yielded immediate results for exactly this thing in a church magazine article.  So yes, the church does this.  

• Allow only positive thoughts 

Most definitely this is encouraged, here is one source, there are many others.

• Use excessive meditation, singing, prayer, & chanting to block thoughts 

Well, we could argue about what is excessive, but I'll just go ahead and leave an example of when singing was used to block thoughts.  In fast and testimony meeting once, a woman got up with negative things to say about our local leaders.  The bishop cut her mic and stood up to tell her to remove herself from the stand.  They began to argue, and the congregation sang a hymn to block out the dialog until she finally left.

• Reject rational analysis, critical thinking, & doubt

I think I've made that case in the way the church and it's members handles people who talk negatively or question.  Many of them are very intelligent, honest and thoughtful, but all are thrown into the bin of anti, apostate liars.  

Dallin H. Oaks has told us, and the world in the PBS documentary, 

"It's wrong to criticize leaders of the church, even if the criticism is true."

Emotional Control 

• Instill irrational fears (phobias) of questioning or leaving the group 

Constantly, and I've touched on it, so let me just tell you my personal experience of it.  I was made to believe as I've stated, that because this was the only source of spiritual truth, if I were to reject it, I would never experience anything spiritual.  The power of the holy ghost to guide me to good choices and warn me of danger would be revoked.  So also, would my skills and talents that I had learned and developed, I believed, under the influence of the holy ghost. Of course, any chance of spending eternity with the people I loved would be off the table.  I was taught that the light and knowledge I had gained would be taken away until I knew nothing.  

Yes, these fears apply to questioning too, and breaking any one of the 17,000,000,000 commandments.  Testimony is such a fragile thing, it must be fiercely guarded, so phobia is induced surrounding anything that may pose a threat to that testimony.  The character of Satan speaks to us directly in the temple indoctrination, saying "I have a word to say concerning these people.  If they do not walk up to every covenant they make at these alters, in this temple, this day, they will be in my power."  Satan is quite a fearful character when you consider he is given credit for every evil, atrocious act of violence that has ever been committed on earth. Being in his power is quite an unpleasant prospect.  Who knows what you could do, who knows what could happen to you, who knows what you will become?  Without the spirit to offer guidance and protection, you would be completely screwed.    

• Label some emotions as evil, worldly, sinful, or wrong 

Certainly anger, especially when it comes from apostates.  Shame and guilt, even though it's doctrine induced.  Lust, under any circumstances.  Love, when it's romantic and not directed at someone of the opposite sex and in an appropriate context.  Jealousy or envy, true of most religions, there are issues here I won't get into now.  I don't necessarily have a problem with bridling our passions and learning to overcome traits that have a negative impact on our lives, just that the method employed to do so is very ineffective and damaging.  Also, the emotions themselves are not universally wrong or harmful in every context.  Again, black and white.  

• Teach emotion-stopping techniques to prevent anger, homesickness 

I was taught by my bishop to sing hymns when I was getting angry at my kids.  Of course he wasn't qualified to diagnose me and had no way of knowing I was really in need of medication.  It was helpful anyway, and something I still do today.

• Promote feelings of guilt, shame, & unworthiness 

I already touched on this, so I'm going to just give it a yes, and move on.

• Shower you with praise and attention (“love bombing”)

Oh my goodness, yes, Mormons are world champions at this! 

• Threaten your friends and family 

Sounds dark and sinister, but remember we are dealing with a passive aggressive cult here.  The carrots and sticks are distant and ethereal, but family is always deeply involved.  Your family is metaphorically held hostage and you will only get them back if every member meets all of the demands.  This dynamic is so damaging to relationships, and just down right mean spirited from a "family centered" organization.  My personal experience on this could fill another blog post.

• Shun you if you disobey or disbelieve 

Shunning is not doctrinal in the Mormon church as it is in others (Jehovah's witnesses for example), but it is practiced.  It's also taught in a double speak sort of way.  This talk is a perfect example, at about the 29-minute mark, elder Christofferson condemns shunning by other faiths, then at around 32-minute mark, he makes the point, using different language, that shunning family that leaves the church is the right thing to do: 

 "So although familial love continues, relationships may be interrupted and, according to the circumstances, even support or tolerance at times suspended for the sake of our higher love."

• Teach that there is no happiness or peace outside the group

Yes, and I touched on this earlier, but it can be summed up nicely in this oft repeated scripture from the book of Mormon: "wickedness never was happiness." Of course wickedness is anything other than strict obedience to everything the church says, and happiness is the result of absolute, unobtainable Mormon perfection.

My family on endowment day.  My endowment, not his.  See that gap between us?  That's the wedge the church drove.

Final thoughts

I want to say lastly that anything I express or feel about the church is directed at ideas and concepts, not people.  Yes, this model of control is acted out by individuals, but largely, if not completely, unknowingly by people with pure intentions and altruistic motives.  LDS people are among the kindest, most loving and self-sacrificing I've ever met.  I could easily go into the character of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, or other historic church leaders, but this is not a church history post.  I could speculate about motivations of current leaders based on their lack of transparency and dishonesty about whether and how much they profit from tithing, but there is enough uncertainty that it would only be speculation.   Indeed, I have no living person to direct my angst toward.  They all practice this type of manipulation, and so did I, and I know where my heart was when I was doing it.  The church makes us all to be both victims and perpetrators of religious, psychological abuse.  My heart aches for the people within this structure.  Both those who are hurting like I was and see no way out, and those who love it and fit nicely into the box and thrive there, because inevitably this power structure will have to reform or collapse.  It is immoral by its very nature, as I hope I have demonstrated. 

I have been thinking of writing something like this for a very long time.  Hoping it would be cathartic and provide me some type of closure.  Ultimately it took the push of continued abuse to motivate me to actually do it.  It's obvious my life needs an unpleasant sifting of its own for me to truly find peace after religion.  It is not however, for those who never loved or cared to understand me in the first place that I ache.  It's for the genuine people I spoke of in the beginning.  They may not have the same knee jerk militant defense of the organization that others do, but they do have the same love for it, and I assume they feel the same pain at seeing it disparaged.  I think especially of my missionaries, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful and caring women who are not only among the best LDS friends that I have, but I consider some of the most important people in my life.  These women devoted their time and energy to help me to learn a new way of life that I longed for.  They fielded late night phone calls and found answers to difficult questions.  They watched as we progressed with personal and loving interest, they shared our elated joy as we were baptized.  They've stayed my true friends all these years, taken an interest in my life and helped me along the way.  I've taken an interest in them as well, watching them adjust to life after their missions, have temple marriages, and start and grow their beautiful families.  I don't wish to cause them pain.  Although this whole post has been to demonstrate the church as a high control group, I cannot see these women as villains or aggressors.  I see them as I have always seen them, as saviors, teachers, guides and very dear friends.  If anything can be sacred to an atheist, this is sacred to me.  I don't know what the right solution is, or if there even is one, so I'm defaulting to my comfort zone of total and complete frank honesty.  If there's going to be pain one way or the other, I feel full disclosure is almost always more humane than falsehood, hypocrisy, or patronizing, indulgent deception. 

So why can't I just leave it alone?  Well, a few reasons.  It was a very big part of my life, it shaped my perception and perspective in ways I'm still discovering.  When I left I promised my bishop and stated in my Facebook announcement that I would never be an enemy to the church.  I meant it, and I still do, I don't desire to have enemies in my life, and no LDS person I've met is worthy of animosity.  The problem is, as an ex-Mormon, it takes very little to be labeled a crusader against the church.  I posted this meme recently and lost a friend. 

The other problem is, I made that promise before I had done all my objective research and truth seeking, and while I was still very much set in the church programmed black and white thinking.  Trying to find that line between staying completely silent on the issue and doing the talking I feel I need to do without hurting people has been really difficult.  It's not black and white, not ever here in reality, and adjusting to all these shades of gray can be distressing and disorienting.  I guess that's one of the reasons the delusion I was sold was so appealing.  

I love to talk about things that fascinate me.  I found cult mind control fascinating before, but so much more so now that I've been a part of one.  The research I did coming out, while difficult because it was personal, was also so much fun.  I learned about all kinds of different high control groups and individuals and would love talking about any of them.  Of course, Mormonism is going to come up more often.  I have personal experience to draw from.

The last reason is the trickiest, because I haven't sorted out all the gray and figured out where I land.  Like I said, I don't want to be an enemy of the church, and I feel no drive to crusade against it.  I do however, feel a sense of responsibility, especially when people are being hurt, because I was an active part of a hurtful structure for so long. I think former members are in the unique position of being the only both informed and objective voice about the church.  Never members may study it but have no personal experience.  Current members have both studied it and had personal experience, but although they may be intelligent and articulate people, they are programmed with the above method, and are not currently able to think critically and clearly about the subject of the church.  They also are not allowed to speak publicly about the church in a negative way, or they risk losing their temple recommend or facing excommunication.  So yes, when issues arise like the Bishop case, or LGBT issues, or bishop interviews with youth about masturbation, where people are being hurt, many of us feel compelled to speak out.  If we don't, who will?  Who can?

Additional reading on B.I.T.E. and undue influence in Mormonism

• The BITE Model and Mormon Control Kindle Edition by Luna Lindsey
• Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control by Luna Lindsey
• Thought on things and stuff blog